Sincerely, Your Strong Friend

·|| Before you read this, I think it is important to note that I am not discouraging anyone from reaching out or asking about suicidal ideations. Please do! Especially if you see the signs or deem it necessary. It’s needed and appreciated. My purpose in writing this is to shed light on feelings that may never go disclosed and help resolve those with some encouragement. ||·

“Check on your ‘strong friends'”…

A reminder re-posted, re-tweeted, grammed or texted in the aftermath of tragic suicide or death.

I appreciate the premise of this statement, and even agree with it, however, I cringe a little each time I see it. You see, I am often that strong friend. The confident, loyal, compassionate person who is seen to somehow have it together, even though I’m adamantly honest about not having it together. The one with the solid sense of self, who gets back up no matter what tragedy. All of which elicits the “I don’t know how you do it” comments and allows me to fade into the background of concern. As it does for many in the same position. Seeing that statement confirms the subconscious knowing that others often need a reminder of our humanity in order to reach out. That our emotional depth may make others uncomfortable as the perception of us instantly shifts.

Because the truth is that yes, we are strong. In part by nature but also because we have had to be. The strongest people I know have had to carry their own burdens and solve their own issues alone, consistently. Giving up never being an option, because to give up would be to no longer exist. We are often the ones bailing people out, physically and emotionally but rarely, if ever, having that olive branch extended with the same frequency in the same ways. We are the ones who contemplate who to realistically call, when we burst into tears in the middle of the night, knowing that we are usually the go to. It is heavy and, often times, incredibly lonely . But we keep going.

So, before you check on your “strong friend”, here are a few things to be aware of. The strength you have known, depended on; the advice giver, perspective shifter, and all around optimist that you love, may not be there. Not if the check in goes beyond the superficial societal version of “hey how are you?” We may have no advice to offer, sound far more drained than you’ve ever heard us, OR we may try to shift the focus back to you if we sense that our emotional depth is making you uncomfortable.

Your “strong friend” may say that they are depressed, lonely, hurting, momentarily lost, not optimistic, etc. please do not take this as them being suicidal or wallowing in the sunken place. This is the fear, and unfortunate experience, of many “strong” people I’ve talked to, as well as my own. Not being able to fully and freely express emotions and thoughts because they are instantly panicked over or taken out of context. There is a difference between being depressed and clinical depression. There is a difference between feeling all the feelings you don’t often get to verbally release, and not wanting to exist at all. If you get to witness all of those emotions, listen. Proceed with love and know that we see you as a safe place; or are hoping you will be.

Do not try to “fix” them nor offer unsolicited solutions. People Do Not Need Fixing! We need to be heard, accepted, understood, and seen. Sit with them, let them vent, help them process, and just be there. Offer them the love and compassion, patience, space and time they have most likely given to you without judgement or assumption.

Everybody needs somebody. The “strongest” among us are human. We may see the world differently and move through it in a way that creates the illusion that we do not feel deeply or need others, but we do. Often. Know that we “strong” ones do not have it all together at all times and you, consistently trying, make a world of a difference.

So yes, PLEASE check on your “strong friends”; the helpers, healers, space makers, advise givers, check inners, middle of the night phone call takers. Check on your friends, period; connections are a lifeline! and (per my tea) “friendships are a sheltering tree”. Just know that our deepest vulnerabilities, and the ability to express them, is what ultimately leads to the strengths that you see and admire.